HOWTO: Transform a Cat into a Lamp

How to transform a cat into a lamp in three easy steps:

  1. Acquire cat and go live in a high-rise building;
  2. Let cat roam;
  3. Collect cat from vet.


Let's examine the steps in detail:

1) Acquire cat and go live in a high-rise building:

Getting a cat is easy: acquaintences could have kittens to give away, or your local cat sanctuary might have an opening. For the sake of redundancy we took two:

Telnette (left) and Chiocciola (@ in Italian).

The high-rise building is a bit harder to come by, but make sure that is on the fourth floor or higher (note to Americans: US 1st floor = EU ground floor, US 2nd floor = EU 1st floor etc.). For this experiment we've chosen the following location, with a convenient balcony-to-pavement distance of 25m:


Launch pad is at the very top.


2) Let cat roam:

Unless you're inclined to trail it wherever it goes (or "they", in the case that you've opted for the redundancy variant) there's not much of a choice really.

The other night we got a bit alarmed when the same cat showed up over and over again, and #2 was nowhere in sight. We set off for a search, and soon enough we discovered @ on the pavement. The subsequent forensic inquiries allowed for the following analysis:
  • @ got distracted (by the neighbour's cat) while roaming on the balcony sill;
  • during the fall @ used her tail in a helicopter-like fashion;
  • after two seconds, or on the height of the (European) second floor she reached feline terminal velocity;
  • after that, she relaxed for 0.3 seconds and hit the ground at 100 km/h:

Pseudo-scientific diagrams add credibility.

3) Collect cat from vet:

Apart from a bit of water in a slightly shattered lung (to be expected after hitting the proverbial wall at 60 mph) the only injury @ sustained is a cut of the paw (forensics are still trying to establish the exact source - the head of the guy in the previous picture has been ruled out):

Pwned paw.

Much to the chagrin of @, this minor injury had far-reaching consequences. Much to our delight, we now have a new lamp illuminating our home:

@ as the "Living Lamp".

Needless to say, @ is rather less pleased than the rest of the family.

If you've managed this far, please leave a comment below - it'll be forwarded to @.

Bad period for cats:

Well, I guess its true that cats always land on th...

Well, I guess its true that cats always land on their feet, even if if not comfortably.

I prefer juggling them.

I prefer juggling them.